Sunday, January 10, 2010

"I'll Be Back"

I watched "The Terminator" for the first time last night, and besides thinking "What a terribly written movie" (true) and "Sarah Connor's terror will give me nightmares" (also true), I couldn't help but wonder how the selection to send someone back to 1984 went down...

INT. HUMANS' CAVE IN 2029 - NIGHT
JOHN CONNOR stands on a trash heap, his feet planted firmly in the pile of CPU's and dead rats. The meager population of Homo sapiens surround him, listening intently to their nominal leader. All are dirty, exhausted, and emaciated. Many look worried, but some look ready to undertake his direction.

JOHN CONNOR
(Gazing at the assembled with the intensity of Caesar) My people!

HIS PEOPLE
(Mustering the strength of their collective voices) All hail!

JOHN CONNOR
The time has come...

SOME SMART-ASS
(Sniggering to his buddy) The walrus said...

JOHN CONNOR
Shut up. The time has come for us to make a stand. No longer must we be subjugated by machines! (Clapping from the crowd) No longer will we live underground like vermin! (Cheers and fist pumps) No longer shall we walk this world in fear of termination! (A chorus of "Amen") I have a plan for us, my people, that will lead us out of darkness and into our promised sun!

HIS PEOPLE
What is it, John Connor? Tell us, John Connor!

JOHN CONNOR
Fear not, my comrades, for I will tell you when the time is ripe. For the moment, know only this: if we are to reclaim our rightful throne, we must ensure our existence. My existence. (Pauses, looking as deep into the eyes of the assembled as the feeble light of cave fires will allow) Now. Which one of you brave men will travel back in time to impregnate my mom?

HIS PEOPLE
What the fuck?

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