Mr. Postman

Dear Footballers,
Please stop wiggling your hand around in your pants during class. It's gross. Jock itch won't go away if you keep scratching, and I'm pretty sure l'Hôpital's rule isn't the most tantalizing of centerfolds.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Has to Sit Next to You in Calculus

Dear Small Selection of Teenage Girls,
Cut your goddamn fingernails. Claws aren't in the least bit attractive. And while we're on the subject—why the hell do you insist on coloring them black?
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Used to Bite Hers

Dear Rain Showers,
Thank you.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Was Getting Sick of Sunshine

Dear Cappuccino Machine,
You might just be my new favorite thing.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Is Tired of Hot Chocolate but Too Wimpy for Straight-Up Coffee

Dear Inverse Trigonometry,
You are decidedly not my favorite thing.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Prefers Words to Numbers—Ad Infinitum

Dear Boy,
You're cute. I'm sorry I'm shy.
Sincerely,
Girl