Things Classmates Do That Annoy Me: A Snark-Filled Compendium

• Pushing the automatic door button unnecessarily. If you are mobile and have both hands free, there is no reason why you can't open a door yourself and help conserve energy while you're at it, you lazy bones.
• Texting in class. Your head is down and you have no pen in your hand. Are you really so self-involved as to think that the professor can't tell? And are you really so self-centered as to think the professor has nothing better to do than have her lecture fall on deaf ears?
• Chatting near the toasters and coffee machines, especially during peak hours. We are here on a mission: to get breakfast and caffeine. I'm glad you're so chipper and ready to re-hash last night's drunken hedonism with your friend, but doing so in front of the bagel basket or the Splenda bowl greatly impedes everyone else's access to such necessary items. Why insist on crowding more bodies in an already congested area?
• Sub-complaint: buttering or cream-cheesing your toast while standing in front of the butter and cream cheese containers. Next time try this tactic called "glop some on your plate, then spread it on your bread once you have moved away from these highly desirable condiments" and marvel at how efficient you can be!
• Printing reading assignments on only one side of the page (particularly if you don't actually plan to read them). Have you seen the number of reams we go through every week? Just because a resource is (ostensibly) freely available does not mean that you are entitled to use it without regard for the cost (both economic and environmental) of its replenishment. 
• Sub-complaint: printing unnecessary pages from downloaded documents. Nope, you don't need a tangible version of the copyright page of that JSTOR article. Or that page with the final endnote (you weren't going to read the notes anyway, right?).
• Using two disposable coffee cups at once. Unless you're planning on saving that empty outer one to use at a later date, just suck it up and either use a (re-usable?!) mug-sleeve-thing or endure hot hands for the one minute it'll take you to walk to where you're going.
• Pausing at the end of enjambed lines when reading poetry aloud. No. Just no. Do you read posters that way? Didn't think so. Follow the punctuation. This is not a difficult concept. 

Given the number of times "(un)necessary" appears here, I think I might be a utilitarian. We cool, Jeremy Bentham, we cool.